Broken What ifer

When I was a kid, all my what ifs were either apocalyptic or nirvanic. Asteroids hitting the earth, being able to fly, accidentally bringing about Ragnarok, those kind of things. As I get older the negative what ifs have gotten smaller, more real, Like: cancer, heart disease, killed by a kid with a gun, have my car stolen. Whereas the positives are mostly just inverted negatives like: not getting cancer, not having my house flood, not being bitten by raccoons. When I do get an actual positive what if it's usually so insignificant that it's sad. Like, what if that vending machine mistook my $1 for a $5? Or what if Luke Batton actually sent me the short film he made about my daughter 15 years ago? I fear there's no way to fix this.

Good advice

Gray

A teenager at the shelter asked if I was a vampire.

At first I thought it was because I only work nights. It was explained later that it was her way of asking why I didn't look my age.

A few days later, I noticed gray hairs. Several of them.

I don't give a crap about aging. But I'm afraid of what will happen at the shelter when I can't make teenagers think I'm a vampire.

iPhobia

Recently, last week, I bought a new iPhone. I showed it to my students and one of them, a woman in her 60s (or perhaps she is in the 60s) got up, said she hates "those things," and stormed out of the room.

Jobs.

I'm afraid I don't like my job.

And afraid of what will happen if the record numbers of unemployed peeps can't find jobs.

And afraid of what will happen to Apple without Steve Jobs.

Unscheduled bodily function

Today I am afraid I might shit my pants. I am not sure why I am afraid of that but the more I think about it - why shouldn't I be afraid of that? It would be humiliating. The only positive I can think of is that it would be warm but that would not go a long way to make up for the embarrassment that I would feel as I waddled out of this coffee shop. That is if I left. What if I just sat here? Yuck. Now all I can do is concentrate on not pooping. I am so scared right know.

For Sad[ler]

I have found that a coctail of ibuprofen, extra strength tylenol, and dramamine can catch the dreaded genius headache in its tracks.

skn