Friday, December 12, 2008

Nothing

It is comforting to know that there has been little or nothing to fear lately. But now that I am thinking of it, it occurs to me that fear is scary. There should be a nice concise way to put it though. "Fear is something to be afraid of more than other things." "Nothing is as scary as fear is when you think about it." Fear is itself something worth fearing, or being afraid of." I think I am getting close but I'm not quite there.

Monday, November 24, 2008

This borders on political, but as there is an indisputable odor involved, you won't hate on it.


I'll grant that my fear of becoming an evangelical vegetarian might loom larger for me than the subject of this post. But this picture and the article from whence it hails did make me afraid. Afraid that I might someday catch a wiff of the breeze wafting from places like this.




Saturday, November 1, 2008

For those who didn't get the "snarky/sharky" play on words . . .



I'm afraid that none of us will never be this funny.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Collagen lips kind of creep me out, but . . .


. . . I always want to turn and run at the sight of a penciled in eyebrow.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Conditions in Iraq are worse than I thought

This photo makes me want to slap every single person living in the middle east and say what the crunk are you thinking?!? How can you possibly justify fighting over territories that are crawling with shit like this? It's worse than Australia, if that's possible.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Number Thirteen


I am not superstitious but the fact that there were 13 posts on the blog of fear has been freaking me out. It would have been prudent, you’ll agree, to skip thirteen and go right to fourteen the way skyscrapers skip the thirteenth floor. I would also like to take this opportunity to use the word, “triskaidekaphobia.”

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Stage Fright

I stand back stage, my head throbbing, dizzy, cold sweats. I've never set foot on stage without feeling a need to go to the bathroom even if I just got back from there which is usually the case. I don't get nauseous but that may be the only symptom of stage fright I'm free of. I get an ache in my bones, a cold panic that feels like a real physical presence behind my eyes. My wrists hurt.

Sometimes, when it's bad enough, my memory shuts off and I do my act in a black out state. I will, afterwards, only be aware of succeeding or failing with the audience but I will have no recall of what I actually said or did onstage. I have to trust that the words that came out of my mouth were those I wrote and rehearsed for this occasion. It is rarely this bad anymore.

I have ulcerative colitis according to the doctors, but it seems to be a hysterical form of the condition as it only flares before performances or other stressful occasions, mostly performances.

If I go onstage at least once a week it stresses me less and less; wait a month and I may as well be going up for the first time.

It doesn't matter the audience. I will stress just as bad before a twenty person crowd at a dive bar as before a 1,000 person audience in a nice theatre. And then once in a while I get no stress in a situation where the patterns of the past tell me I should be a mess. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to these much appreciated and rare bits of relief.

I must REALLY like hearing the laughs and applause to keep going up. I ask myself "Why do you do this?" over and over and the only answer is, "You'll remember why after its done."

Friday, October 3, 2008

actual fear (just one, I swear)

Sorry everyone, this isn't comedic, or sarcastic, superior, or even snarky.  But I have always feared the ocean, and this picture illustrates why.  
I went surfing in L.A. with a would-be film producer, and every second I was out there I was totally convinced I was about to be taken by a hunter from the deep.  No matter how often you tell yourself how unlikely it is, you know damn well it is always, always possible.  
Just thinking about being in the ocean, especially isolated in deep blue water, makes it hard to breath.  (Notice, please, that my fear didn't stop me from surfing. It was a huge thrill)
But don't try and tell me you aren't afraid of sharks.  

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Palin's Greatest Hits

I am afraid. I have a comedy show at the same time that Sara Palin has her debate with Joe Biden. I know that NOTHING I say could possibly be as funny as what she will say.





Two For One Sale

I tried to think rationally: She was on The View, the show watched by the damned souls in Hell. But she was smart enough to get off that train, so that couldn't be it. I tried to convince myself that it was because of the horrifying company she keeps . . .

(Margaret Cho excluded, she's solidly talented, funny and beautiful)
I couldn't figure out the cause of the knot in my stomach at the sight of her, the sound of her voice, the mere mention of her name. Finally I realized: it was because of her resemblance to a certain nightmare image from my youth.

I am now totally convinced that Rosie O'Donnell is the queen mother of the oompa loompas. They hatch from eggs she lays, or something. And I am afraid.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Earthmover

This is an actual photo of an earthmover made in the Czech Republic. There's really nothing I can say about the potential horror of this machine that does the photo justice. Check out this site if you don't believe something this huge exists outside of a Terry Gilliam movie.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

I am so very afraid....

This guys doesn't have many friends, but he has one...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Hot Dogs

Seriously, I can't think of a worse thing to do than eat a hot dog. Not only is the idea of taking all the meat that's not good enough to sell on it's own and pressing the slurry into the shape of a penis scary, but I've got this semi-irrational fear that I will find a human tooth inside one. How scary would that be? Maybe as scary as eating hot dogs in a pool with a bunch of guys?

What if I told you that these guys had their own website called dudeswithdogs.com? Are you scared now?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

They Walk Among Us

The photo below is to demonstrate that there are people in this world who have their own agenda and will follow it regardless of where they are or who they're with. This is something to fear since many people out there have made a habit out of meeting new people. While this is an exciting and worthwhile endeavor, be sure to screen your new friends carefully or you may end up with someone like the girl on the right. I'm guessing she became friends with the rest of the group, exchanged phone numbers and address, helped a couple of them move, then POW! started flashing her cans at every photo op. Now no one has the courage to tell her to get lost since she's such an awesome pet sitter and thus they are stuck with her forever.


I added the snails for decency's sake. You're welcome.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Maybe the Grossest Thing I've Seen on the Internet This Week

Don't get me wrong, I'm totally into the whole DIY culture. I also happen to love the idea of growing my own food and canning whatever we can't eat before it spoils. There have to be limits though. Without proper guidelines concerning what is and what is not acceptable some people are going to push it to far, as evidenced by this photo:


Some sick sick individual, without proper guidance, has decided to can tuna fish at home. God have mercy on all of us.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Mormon Crickets (Anabrus simplex)



Maybe not so scary in small numbers (like 1) but it is not uncommon to come across really large numbers of these insects in the American West. The danger occurs when driving over hundreds of them creating squished bodies that cause the equivalent of an oil slick. I recall driving over an abundance of Mormon crickets on a hill in Wyoming and my tire spinning once or twice. A friend told me a few minutes ago that in Idaho cars often slide, and sometimes crash, on certain roads and at certain times of the year because of these huge crickets.

OPH (other people's hygiene)

For reasons both legal and moral, I cannot post a picture of my fear for today.

I work for Mental Health, where many of our clients have what we refer to as "hygiene issues." (Odd Fact: Schizophrenic people in general do not like to shower.) For the most part you extend love and understanding and work/deal with it. Last night this ability was put to the test.

A co-worker came in shuddering. Not exaggerating. Not being melodramatic. But obviously disturbed. I asked her what was the matter. She took a few seconds to compose herself and said: "I saw Sharon's toenail." [editor's note: the name has been changed] I said: "wow, that bad, eh?" She shook her head. "Just don't look. Trust me, you don't want to see it. It will haunt you. It will follow you in the dark." I told her I wasn't afraid. She said "Please, for me, promise me you won't look at it." She was dead serious. I told her I'd do my best.
Then, last night, I was doing a bed check. It was 3 in the morning. I was on automatic pilot, and therefore forgot about strange fact #2: schizophrenic people very often like to sleep with the lights on. Her foot was extended out past her covers. I saw it. It has been hours and I still can't get the image of that toenail out of my mind. I shake as I write about it. The thought of it ties a knot in my stomach. This is not for comedic effect: I live in fear that it might cross my path again. The client in question woke up an hour ago, and while I treated her with dignity and respect, my eyes were teetering on the edge of a cliff, drawn to it, but knowing that to glimpse it again would be to throw up. I honestly feel uncomfortable knowing it is nearby.

I hope you never have to see it. But given that I cannot reveal the name, or gender, or location, or any other pertinent information about the client in question, the fear is yours as well. It may be out there.

And with all the flip flops being worn these days, it might be better if you just don't look at people's feet.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

A Photo

I was searching for an illustration of a deer online today and I came across this photo:It made me nervous to think that I might one day come upon a doorbell like this. In an effort to educate the public as to these new fears that arise daily, I put together a blog, with several other authors, to warn people about new menaces they may find in their daily lives so as to avoid the paralyzing fear that would accompany encountering these things in real life.